100% of Canadians pretty sure they’ve had COVID already - The Beaverton
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100% of Canadians pretty sure they’ve had COVID already

OTTAWA – Health Canada has released the results of a national survey over the past week which confirms expert suspicions that every person in the country is confident they’ve already caught by now.

“All our respondents had a high degree of certainty that they probably had COVID-19 already, whether because of that weird tickly, sore throat they had last July or that time in March when they felt gassy but not, you know, normal gassy,” said Dr. Keith Ulbrom on behalf of the health agency, “I mean I knew that I already had it because my cousin had it and then I felt like the backs of my eyes were itchy after speaking to him on the phone. But it’s a shock that so many other people were so sure.”

Though even liberal figures still estimate that a minority of Canadians really did have COVID during the pandemic, this has not stopped the entirety of the population of Canada from being damn sure otherwise. And with the latest findings that the virus can be spread via contact, fluid, aerosol, vapor, sound wave, and the ethereal dark matter which forms the space between spaces, nothing seems able to stem the wave of suspicion of past infection.

“Most people are blowing it out of proportion but I definitely had it in March 2021 when I broke my leg skiing and then the virus crept through the snow into my leg wound,” said Heather North, from Calgary, “plus my son felt kind of blah about a week ago so he’s got it under his belt now too.”

Reasons for the certainty of contraction include instances of fever, headaches, toothaches, bellyaches, weird nightmares, weird daymares, excessive eye gunk, less eye gunk than usual, fear of Steve Buscemi, feelin’ blue, feelin’ snacky, feelin’ groovy, feelin’ fine, getting a crick in your neck after using the wrong pillow, testing negative on too many rapid tests for it to be normal, and that time last winter when that guy passed by close but not that close but you know closer than normal and he looked like he might be sick or maybe he was just homeless but then he probably also had it anyways.

“The absolute positive feeling of having been absolutely positive is creating feelings of invulnerability, sadly,“ continued Dr. Ulbrom, “people are encouraging others to stay home but feel safe in venturing out themselves simply because their gums swelled up for a day in November.”

At press time, you, YES YOU, have COVID-19.