BEIJING – The Canadian women’s hockey team has won the Olympic gold medal, prompting an exhausted nation to declare “Holy fucking shit, thank you.”
“Between two and a half years of COVID and all these fucking protestors I’m at my goddamn wit’s end,” said Ottawa resident Cecilia Gamble. “Marie-Philip Poulin is the only reason I’m happy drunk instead of sad drunk right now.”
“I got up at like five in the morning the other day to watch the men’s team get their dicks kicked in,” Vancouver’s Cory Field said. “If the women had lost too I would have just walked into the ocean.”
Canada defeated the United States 3-2, avenging their 2018 loss and prompting millions of Canadians to send taunting messages to American friends, family members, and colleagues.
“My ability to look down on the States has taken a massive hit over the last few weeks,” said Calgarian Taylor Green. “I am tremendously grateful to the women’s team for restoring a sense of normalcy by letting me feel a smug sense of superiority again.”
Green then texted “We got the gold back AND we have healthcare, so SUCK IT!” to their American uncle.
The Canadian effort was backstopped by goaltender Ann-Renee Desbiens, who made 38 saves. At the post-game press conference, Desbiens said “You’re welcome, Canada” before walking away to sign a Tim Hortons commercial deal.
Celebrations continued late into the night across the country, with the CBC airing revelry everywhere from eastern Canada to Atlantic Canada. “Canada is a hockey nation,” CBC colour commentator Cheryl Pounder said. “And, thanks to incredible hockey players like Sarah Nurse, we don’t have to pretend to be proud of some bullshit skiing medal.”
At press time, the team was getting mad laid at the Olympic Village.