HALIFAX, NS – A shocking new report written by acclaimed naturalist, David Attenborough, and published by unlikelyrecipes.com suggests that not only are turtles delicious, but they conveniently come with a biodegradable bowl.
“They’re my favourite holiday treat! That initial crunch followed by the trail of orange goo that clings to your lips…” said Attenborough, speaking to a fourth grade class, “I’ve been known to eat a whole box myself.”
Several children immediately fell ill, one bursting into tears, as it became apparent to the class that Attenborough was not in fact talking about the tasty caramel and pecan choco-thingeys, but rather the slow-witted, amphibious sort.
“You don’t even have to sneak up on them, because they’re slow n’ dumb,” Attenborough said, his sophisticated English accent enunciating every syllable.
Attenborough went on to read an excerpt from his report slash recipe, “none so perfect a creature exists for man’s consumption with perhaps the exception of the cone snail… which comes in a cone!” As Attenborough continued, a pair of students moved to the back of the classroom to block the view of a terrarium featuring construction paper letters cut out to read “SPEEDY”.
Not all of the students were bothered by Attenborough’s comments. “I like turtles,” said 9-year-old Casey Spencer, who was dressed as a zombie for some reason.
Attenborough’s report, although tantalizing, is not without controversy, especially coming only months after he claimed that thousand-year-old redwood trees make the best firewood.