BARRIE, ON – After reading about the latest controversy surrounding the Catholic church, devout Satanist Damien Winslow is conflicted on whether or not his faith is doing enough of the devil’s work.
“Not to diminish all the evil done by Satan-worshipping killers throughout history, but none of them ever filled a mass grave and then tried to cover up after,” Winslow explained. “And that’s not even the only time the Catholic church beat us at our own game. How the heaven did they think of collaborating with Hitler before we did? At this rate, we’ll never get our churches vandalized.”
“Man, I used to think that evil was one size fits all, but it turns out there are layers to it and we can’t even touch them,” Winslow said shortly after reading a single book on the subject. “They’ve been one-upping us since the Middle Ages. I thought we had them with the Satanic Panic, but they have around 300 years of burning their witches instead of encouraging them. I now aspire to be like Mother Teresa, especially now that I know she was a massive bitch.”
Winslow alleges his skepticism towards modern Satanism has been growing for a while. “Things at my church have started to mellow out a bit too much for my liking. We hardly sing any heavy metal hymns, those damn Slenderman kids think they belong here, and we haven’t had any real goat’s blood since the clergy went vegan.”
“You know, I went to a Catholic service once just to check it out, and they talk way more about Satan there than we do. Plus, they symbolically consume the blood and flesh of their saviour? That’s pretty metal!”
Father Richard Blackstone, the minister at Winslow’s church, says he has faith that the relatively good press will blow over. “The Church of Satan may not have come under fire lately, but we are still committed to being a beacon of sin and misguidance for all lost souls. I know that barbecue fundraiser we had last week might have confused people, but what if I told you I embezzled all that money? Let’s see those bible thumpers beat that!”
Blackstone then excused himself for further questioning to prepare himself for the free comparative Bible study class he leads, which he asserts is more villainous than it sounds.
At press time, Winslow was debating whether or not to convert to Scientology, commit more acts of evil on his own, or just stop trying to freak his parents out entirely.