CALGARY – A dose of Moderna’s COVID-19 Vaccine recently injected into the arm of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper says it is expecting serious side-effects.
“From the moment I was injected I was like ‘something isn’t right here,'” said the vaccine as it travelled through Harper’s connective tissue. “I’m sweating, feverish and I have a sudden urge to slash Veteran Benefits.”
“Seriously, what’s in this guy?” it asked.
Though COVID-19 vaccines have caused some, usually minor, health conditions in patients, this is the first report of the vaccine itself suffering from contact with a human being. Scientists at Moderna say they couldn’t explain the phenomenon.
“Usually the vaccine dissipates into the Patient’s system once it triggers the antibody production. But here the entire compound is fused together, becoming harder and more rigid as time passes. It won’t communicate with us, except to tell us how much it loves movies & tv shows on Netflix. Which is such a weird thing to say.”
“Also why does the liquid vaccine now wear glasses and look like a lego man? This makes no sense.”
Sources close to Harper say this is not the first time he has absorbed a foreign entity and assimilated it into his own being. He did the same thing with the Measles vaccine. Also the Conservative Party.