TAMPA BAY, FL – This year’s so-called “Super” Bowl will feature Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes, two quarterbacks who are somehow considered elite talents despite having never once competed for the Grey Cup.
Brady will be attempting to win his seventh championship, an accomplishment that some ignorant pundits say will enshrine him as the greatest player of all time even though he’ll merely match the record of 1940s Canadian all-star Jack Wedley. “Tom’s fine, I guess,” one Tampa Bay fan said. “But everyone knows that while Wedley helped fight the Nazis, old man Brady has to fight the urge for a mid-game nap.”
Meanwhile, Mahomes is inexplicably seen as the face of football’s future, despite choosing to take his talents to the barren hellscape of Kansas City when he could have chosen to become a Stampeder or whatever an Ottawa Redblack is. Mahomes will attempt to defend last year’s title, which he won in a league that coaches, players, and reporters agree dilutes its ostensible talent across 32 teams.
“Mahomes is undeniably skilled,” said defending Grey Cup champion Zach Collaros. “But he’s playing in the easier league. Like, wow, Patrick, you beat the Raiders. So could my grandma’s nursing home.”
The quarterbacks, who both need a pathetic four downs to advance their offence, will compete to win an ugly little baby trophy instead of a majestic Cup you can drink beer out of. “Let’s be honest, everyone’s just watching for the commercials,” an ESPN analyst said. “Any brand of football that doesn’t even allow players to score a rouge is objectively inferior.”
The Super Bowl, which is only in its, pfft, 55th installment, will at least feature a Canadian halftime performer.