OTTAWA, ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on end in the new year.
As Trudeau explained in a virtual talk for a grade 10 Civics and Citizenship class at Sir Wilfrid Laurier Secondary School, “In government, it’s essential to strategize the timeline for your transgressions. If you do it right, your infractions are spaced out far enough apart that people forget the reckless thing you did months ago and you get off scot free!”
The PM further educated these future leaders about the challenges to scandalous activity during a pandemic. He noted “Obviously, with travel restrictions, I won’t be able to vacation on a private island on someone else’s dime. Heck, with physical-distancing rules in the House of Commons, I can’t even get close enough to an MP to pressure them into helping the folks at SNC Lavalin avoid prosecution for their crimes.”
Trudeau then elaborated on some of his plans, “I’ll start off January with paid product placements wearing nothing but a Canada Goose jacket at my briefings. In March, I’ll release details for yet another Air Canada bailout in the budget, after the airline makes a hefty donation to the Trudeau Foundation and hires my mother Margaret as a pilot. That’ll probably hit the fan around May.”
“I don’t think the opposition will know until at least mid-July that I’ve been renting out the ultra-low temperature vaccine fridges to an artisanal, fair trade Kombucha fro-yo company that sends free pints to my wife Sophie.”
According to anonymous sources, the PM is currently considering diverting funding from pandemic programs to buy himself an ambassadorship in the Galactic Federation.