Hamilton, ON – Late Friday night, your girlfriend’s cat, Cheddar, watched you relieve yourself again in your girlfriend’s en-suite bathroom, and frankly, you’ve had enough.
“It doesn’t look away the whole time”, you said, while hiding from Cheddar in a closet. “It’s like, do I talk to it? Pretend it’s not happening? Go ‘pshpshpsh’ to scare it away? And it always gets weirder when it starts licking its genitals while I wipe. Is that a power move?”
Your girlfriend Janet, who got Cheddar as a kitten three years ago, said that you’re overreacting. When reached for comment, Janet stated, “she never does that with me. And she’s not creepy. She’s my little coodle-woodle pie”. Despite various examples of Cheddar appearing, as if out of thin air, Janet doesn’t believe your claims that Cheddar is threatening you.
“It was weird at first”, you said, checking over your shoulder. “But she just won’t stop. One time I thought I was in the clear, but she was just hiding behind the shower curtain, peeking at me with those orbs that lead to another dimension.”
Cheddar, the overweight orange tabby with a snaggletooth, has also been known to interrupt love-making sessions by hopping onto the bed, and coughing up a hairball on your bare ass.
“It’s like it’s doing it on purpose,” you explained, continuing to call Cheddar “it”, even though it’s probably just poking the bear further. “The worst part is, it’s working. That cat has seen me in my most vulnerable positions. It’s got the upperhand and could destroy my relationships or career.”
At press time, you were nowhere to be found, but Cheddar was there. Licking its lips at us.
