Kingston, ON — Upon completing his dinner, Joe Johnston, age 8 months and two weeks, would very very much like to share his mashed sweet potato with you. “At first I was like, no I’m fine”,…
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Worst person you know buys house
CALGARY – Reports from facebook and mutual friends have confirmed that Matt Wilsher, the person you would most like to see eaten by piranhas or stranded on a desert island, has recently pur…
Old guy in hostel wants to know what you’re up to tonight
PRAGUE – Sources inside Sr. Toby’s Hostel have advised that Petrov, the white haired man who has been hanging out in the common area every time you’ve been it, would like to know what your …
25-year-old coworker can’t believe you’re 30
MILTON – Sources have confirmed that despite your numerous assurances and even a brief viewing of your driver’s license, Lisa Eaton, your 25-year-old coworker, cannot believe you are 30. “A…
Report: Tingling in your left arm probably nothing
HALIFAX – Sources are reporting that the tingling in your left arm is nothing to be concerned with. Further reports indicate that you should not call 911 but rather stay in line at this sur…
TV series you watched every single episode of in one night just okay
YOUR LIVING ROOM – After watching all three seasons of that new Netflix show in a single sitting, you got up from your nest of blankets, crumbs, and pillows that you rage-screamed into — an…
Loblaws to merge Optimum and PC Plus into one card you never remember
TORONTO – After acquiring Shoppers Drug Mart three years ago Loblaw Companies Limited has announced plans to merge the Optimum and PC Plus rewards plans into a single card you always mean t…
Report: Probably still time to run for leader of the NDP if you get paperwork in
OTTAWA — While voting has begun as of September 18, political strategists report that they’re pretty sure there is still time for you to run for leader of the NDP if you complete and hand in the …
Guy you played summer hockey with in 2005 has some thoughts on your anti-nazi facebook post
Orangeville, ON – Sources are indicating that Steve, one of the guys who played on a Summer Hockey team with you for three months back in 2005, disagrees with your facebook post condemning …
Study: Yes, you are too old to start learning karate
HAMILTON – After years of study, including extensive human trials and multiple data analysis models, a team of researchers at McMaster University have concluded that you are in fact to old …