OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada, a party which would like to be in charge of the whole country, was unable to announce Erin O’Toole’s victory until well after 1am due to their inability to open and count several thousand of the ballots sent in by mail.
“I want to thank the thousands of Conservative voters who trusted me with their second choice vote,” said new leader O’Toole. “Canadians know we are ready to fix the damage Trudeau has done to this country, just like we slowly fixed the many ballots our mail opening machine sliced into ribbons.”
“Certainly our choice to use a machine rather than just pay people to open and count the ballots doesn’t say anything about our relationship with the working class!” he added.
If elected the party would inherit a pandemic and its associated economic fallout, not to mention the existential threats of climate change and income inequality. These challenges are considerably more difficult than providing a successful mail in vote process or stopping outright racists from finishing a strong fourth in a leadership race, both things the Conservative Party just failed at. Nevertheless party insiders believe they are up for the task.
“We’ll be fine. I’m sure the machines they use to stop COVID won’t malfunction like our mail opener did,” said one Tory insider.
The insider added they are counting on Canadians to trust their judgment. After all they did just elect an angry, uncharismatic man who doesn’t speak french as their leader. So clearly they know what they’re doing.