WASHINGTON D.C. – Right after ordering the assassination of Iran’s General Suleimani a satisfied Donald Trump sat back and took a pleasant moment to cross off ‘start WWIII’ from his 2020 New Year’s resolutions list.
“Every year I say I’m going to do it [stumble into a world war that will kill millions],” said Trump. “But every year I just keep putting it off. Then suddenly it’s November and I think ‘well I have no time to do it before the holidays now.’”
“So this year I knew I had to do it right away. January 2nd. Bam! Now all I need to do for the rest of the year is relax and watch the carnage I have created unfold.”
Sources at the Pentagon say the Joint Chiefs were divided over the benefit of the assassination. On the one hand the Chiefs knew that murdering Suleimani would almost certainly provoke a harsh military response from Iran against the U.S., its allies and numerous civilians that could have repercussions for decades. But on the other hand Trump would feel so satisfied knowing he had actually done one of his resolutions.
“It was a tough call,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Asper. “But now the American people know that Donald Trump keeps his resolutions. Now if the stuff he put on his vision board also start coming true things could get really exciting!”
“Watch out, people living in the Pacific who don’t want nuclear war with North Korea!” he added.
Trump has yet to achieve any of his other resolutions, which reportedly read ‘speak to Baron for 2+ mins, come up with new nickname for Chuck Shumer (Jewmer?), learn new language (russian or that other one), and learn what impeachment is.’