TORONTO, ON — After a twitter user wrote “@TTCHelps 8 minute wait for the subway, why do MY tax dollars go towards such a lazy incompetent organization?”, years of problems caused by service backlogs, aging vehicles, canceled projects and limited funding were immediately resolved.
“In my decades of serving the public as a TTC worker I never realized there was a problem,” said driver Jolene Braats. “Thank you for pointing that out. If it wasn’t for that tweet and the three people who retweeted it we would never have known there was a problem.”
Seven minutes after the tweet was sent, it was distributed as an official memo to all TTC employees. Within days all service issues had stopped, and within the week two new subway lines had been completed.
When reached for comment the writer, @Leafsfan84, also known as Dom Peritti of North York replied, “Increasing operational budgets and capital investments, wasn’t going to change anything. What helps is outbursts of rage when something personally impacts me, and then to immediately forget about it.”
After single-handedly fixing the entire Toronto Transport Commission, Leafsfan84 then replied to a CBC news article about possible teacher strikes with “If only the two sides could be ADULTS and just TALK to each other”. This led both parties to immediately stop conducting the negotiations silently through children. There are also rumours that an emoticon filled treatise on how “simple and easy a two state solution” would be is in the works.
Now that the TTC has been fixed, many Torontonians are scrambling to find another entity to blame for being late when they were simply too lazy to leave their house on time.