OTTAWA — As Andrew Scheer resigns the Conservative leadership, party leaders are furious he used campaign funds to pay for his children’s private schooling, as opposed to the usual source – oil industry kickbacks.
“We have long-standing procedures for this,” explained exasperated CPC president Scott Lamb. “All you have to do is wait for Suncor or Imperial Oil to move the kickbacks into an offshore slush fund, where party members can easily access them.” Lamb then shook his head, decrying Scheer’s appropriation of Conservative Party funds as “just lazy”.
Lamb then added, “At least we can take solace that the children of a Conservative leader were never once in danger of attending a public school.”
While many Conservatives had reportedly discussed removing Scheer following his poor election performance as well as the whole “looking like a boy marionette thing,” today’s private school tuition revelation comes as a shock.
“None of us are surprised that he would try to get himself a little something on the side, we’re just surprised it was so small-time,” explained Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre. “There’s loads of oil money right there, at any time. Or look at Harper – now that Stephen’s out of office he’s doing speaking engagements, book tours, and oil consultancies.”
“Private school tuition – that’s just chump change,” scoffed Poilievre.
Provincial conservative politicians similarly criticized Scheer. “Look, the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers are already under fire for breaking the Canada Elections Act with the Tories in the last election, so the time is now” said Alberta premier Jason Kenney.
“In short: get dat oil money, son!”
Conservative politicians were not alone in criticizing Scheer, many CPC voters also expressed displeasure at his poor understanding of the conservative-oil-grift scheme. Said James Newburry of Red Deer, “I just can’t believe Scheer wanted to invest in his kids’ future instead of destroying it.”
In a related story, Scheer’s surprise resignation has triggered a Conservative leadership race, which then triggered a large Doug Ford-shaped hole in the side of Queens Park.