VANCOUVER – Sexy, muscular tragedy struck today as local man Harrison White choked on a piece of locally-sourced, environmentally conscious hamburger. His rippling abs prevented the Heimlich maneuver from being performed, and White died at the age of 26.
Friends and colleagues described White as a smart, handsome man, with rock hard abs, an attentiveness to the needs of others, and being an emotionally available animal lover.
“It was horrible,” described witness Francisco Bautista, “He had just told his friend at the table about how much he loves his partner and all the things he would do to help them improve their personal growth and career goals with his piercing eyes and perfect body… then he just started coughing.”
According to eyewitness reports, after White began choking, it took some time for people in the restaurant to take action, as they were blinded by his sensitivity, commitment to fitness, and, as some patrons put it “arresting sexiness.”
“I got up to see what the problem was and as he turned, it looked like he was peering into my very being with love and understanding,” said the assistant manager Shelby Brooks, “It took me a couple seconds to realize this hunk was choking.”
After an attempted 54 seconds of the Heimlich maneuver being attempted on White’s beautiful, arousing midsection, an experience that Brooks put as “horrifyingly sensual,” it proved useless and the potential underwear model was pronounced dead, at 5:32 pm.
In lieu of flowers, White’s family has asked that well-wishers boycott the gym and to eat as terribly as possible, to ensure that the tragedy never befalls any person ever again.