Major misfire: People Magazine names JFK the sexiest man dead - The Beaverton

Major misfire: People Magazine names JFK the sexiest man dead

Hollywood, CA — In a move that is equal parts morally, factually, and grammatically incorrect, People Magazine has named former president John F. Kennedy the “Sexiest Man Dead” of 2023. 

“After 38 years of naming the Sexiest Man Alive, People decided to go in a new direction, to honor the legacy of one of the yummiest dead presidents in American history,” says People Magazine editor Cynthia Fellows. “But perhaps we went too far when we superimposed the words ‘hubba hubba’ on top of pictures from his funeral.”

In place of a photo shoot with the tantalizing cover model, the magazine featured AI-generated images of what JFK might look like inside his coffin. Readers describe the results as “disturbing,” “harrowing,” and “the single best argument against the proliferation of AI artwork.”

“J-F-Bae puts the ‘posing’ in decomposing,” reads the caption, which was not written by artificial intelligence but by an actual human person who somehow thought that was a good idea.

Objections have been pouring in from both sides of the aisle. Democrats are calling the move tasteless, Republicans are denouncing anti-Nixon bias in the mainstream media, and the alt-right simply doesn’t accept the premise that JFK is actually dead.  

“He’s 107 years old, he’s hiding in North Korea, and he wants to make the moon communist!” yells representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, to no one in particular.

Without a doubt, this is a huge blunder for a magazine known for its class, high standards, and unrivaled knowledge of sexy, sexy men. 

“Here at People Magazine, we pride ourselves on always having our finger on the pulse,” says Fellows, in a poor choice of words. “This was a major misfire on our part. If only there had been a major misfire on someone else’s part, perhaps JFK could’ve been or sexiest man alive instead.”