BREAKING: Narwhals are real, apparently  - The Beaverton

BREAKING: Narwhals are real, apparently 

GREENLAND – In an announcement that is still taking some time to process, scientists confirmed once and for all yesterday that are apparently actual animals that really exist, and aren’t just made-up, hilarious-looking creatures of and legend.

Dr. Andrea Peterson, a marine biologist who specializes in whale behaviour, was the lead researcher who made the ground-breaking declaration out of sheer frustration.

“I don’t know how many more times I have to tell people this,” she said, “But yes, narwhals exist and are not a member of the ‘ family.’ Unicorns don’t have families, because, and I cannot stress this enough, unicorns aren’t real. Narwhals are real, and there is nothing mystical or otherworldly about them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go examine a male narwhal specimen’s 10 foot long spiky tooth that possesses the powers of echolocation and remote prey paralyzation.”

News of the narwhal’s legitimate existence has been met with extreme scrutiny from the general populace, many of whom refuse to believe that such a ridiculous-looking mammal could possibly real, because, honestly, look at them.

“Are you serious? You’re not joking?!” demanded Greg Hornsby of Ottawa, Ontario. “Come on. You actually expect me to believe that those things are just roaming the oceans existing and aren’t just invented creatures for underwater knights to use as jousting vehicles in some YA novel? Look, I might not be a fancy scientist or anything, but I’m not that dumb.”

According to Google, anyone can just walk into a museum of life and see examples of narwhals in real life, a fact that seems pretty suspect given that if narwhals did exist, they clearly could stab the hell out of anyone who tried to use their bodies for science.