HALIFAX — Earlier today, following years of unrest and maltreatment, the old hummus containers at the back of Emily Cooper’s fridge officially announced the formation of a union, Very Old Hummus United.
“Very Old Hummus United, or VOHU, is a containers organization advocating for equal treatment of old ass hummus that’s been neglected at the back of Emily’s fridge for a surprising and disgusting length of time.” Said VOHU rep Sabra Classic.
The mission of the union is to ensure that present and future hummus containers are not immediately pushed to the back of the fridge by Cooper and left for months, or in extreme cases years. Often times with the plastic seal left on. VOHU aims to have all of its member containers treated with respect, meaning eaten within its expiry date and then given a proper burial in the recycling bin. Most of the containers are suffering in their old age and VOHU claims it is the dips equivalent to a human rights violation.
“For too long, the tyrannical proprietor of the fridge, Cooper, has forwarded a bourgeois myth that we can no longer accept!” stated an enraged Fontaine Sante Traditional Hummus from the picket line, which is drawn just behind a sour cream container from 2012.
Despite the valiant claims made by VOHU, when an old south-west salsa jar attempted to join the union he was promptly denied, he claims, due to racial prejudice. Tensions continued to escalate as one hummus container, that had recently moved to the front of the fridge, was found upside down with “scab” written in hummus residue on its back. VOHU reps declined to comment on both reports.
“The demands of VOHU are outrageous. You can’t expect me to buy a container of hummus and then eat it within a two-week period. It’s just not realistic,” stated Cooper following a long afternoon of negotiations with the newly formed union.
VOHU is working closely with the Baby Carrot Solidarity Coalition and Suspicious Unidentifiable Dairy Products United to create a cleaner, better fridge for all of its many gross
occupants.
At press time, Cooper was seen crossing the picket line, jamming yet another red pepper hummus alongside the hundreds already there.
