PICKERING, ON – Onlookers watched in fascination and horror today as Alexander Landau, a fifth grade teacher from Saskatoon, drank radioactive liquid from a puddle near Canada’s oldest nuclear reactor while reassuring everyone that it’s okay, because he’s on vacation.
“Now, normally, I wouldn’t do this,” Landau said, slurping up nearly 250 ml of water contaminated with the radioactive isotope uranium-235. “But I figure, hey, I’m here, it’s here, and I’m on vacation!”
Medical experts are unanimous in recommending against anyone consuming any amount of liquid, radioactive or otherwise, from puddles, gutters, or potholes, regardless of the holiday status of the individual doing the ingesting.
“He’s been like this all week,” Landau’s sister-in-law Beatrice explained. “First it was drinking copious amounts of alcohol because he’s ‘on vacation.’ Then it was bacon, cupcakes, and bacon cupcakes. We had to wrestle a twelve pack of Red Bull out of his hands at six o’clock this morning! Now it’s nuclear plant runoff. The man is out of control.”
“And the thing is, this isn’t even his vacation! He’s only here to help us move his dad into a very nice seniors’ apartment complex.”
At press time, Landau was seen eyeing a patch of wet cement and muttering “don’t mind if I do.”