MUSKOKA, ON — After shuffling his cabinet and adjourning the provincial legislature, premier Doug Ford announced plans to spend his 5 month break criticizing the 3 month summer break that Ontario’s teachers receive.
“These lazy teachers have had it too good for too long,” explained Ford from his family’s Muskoka cottage, “and I’m gonna tell everyone all about it, from now until some time in late October.” The premier then ran through a nearby sprinkler and jumped off a dock into a lake.
Ford outlined plans to raise public awareness of the teachers’ 3 month summer vacation while his PC’s suspend all legislative and constituent work. He will also highlight the unfairness of the teachers’ sabbatical while picnicking in the park, eating ice cream cones, and while riding the new Yukon Striker coaster at Canada’s Wonderland.
“Trust me, even when I’m taking in an impromptu matinee of Men In Black: International, I will not stop talking about how lazy our Ontario teachers are,” Ford insisted.
The premier also touted plans for a public relations blitz, which will see Ontario Conservative MPPs filming videos of themselves on vacation, going to schools and being unable to find teachers.
“I’m going have someone film me complaining about teachers’ cushy breaks while I film myself at a corner store buying beer,” enthused Conservative MPP Lisa MacLeod. Meanwhile, Conservative MPP Sam Oosterhoff pledged to hammer teachers’ perks even while he was off at sleepaway camp.
Reached for comment about the premier’s comments, Sudbury music teacher Jane Madisend responded, “Well, I would be upset about my 3 month break being criticized, but I just got laid off, so… yeah.”
Asked if he wasn’t taking a 5 month break to attack the teachers, but instead to help the federal election chances of Andrew Scheer, Ford balked. “People keep saying Scheer told me to do this, and that’s completely untrue,” Ford explained.
“It was Harper who told me to do it – Scheer isn’t actually in charge of anybody.”