PORTLAND, OR — A protest planned by the parents group “Vaccine Rights Now” has been postponed due to a local measles outbreak which has hospitalized dozens.
“I would rather be out there protesting against the tyranny of the government forcing untested vaccines on my children, but unfortunately little Sadie is sick for some reason,” explained Mark Deynton, moderator of a popular local anti-vax Facebook Group. “I don’t understand how she got sick – we’ve been regularly applying oregano oil.”
Speaking from the pediatric wing of the Broadwater Community Hospital, Deynton vowed to continue his anti-vaccine crusade, despite the fact that over half of the group’s members have themselves reported symptoms of measles.
“If this awful measles outbreak hadn’t happened, we could have really opened people’s eyes about the dangers of vaccines,” Deynton asserted.
The current measles outbreak, the largest since the disease was declared eliminated in 2000, has seen 681 measles cases in the US already this year. While several members of “Vaccine Rights Now” registered disappointment for the cancelled protest, which would have seen a speech from Jenny McCarthy’s personal ketogenopath, they continued to organize on their closed Facebook group.
In the comments under an article titled “6 Ways The Government Tries to Sneak Vaccines Into Your Kids’ Breakfast Cereals”, several members of the anti-vax group sounded off:
“First the Deep State wanted to give our kids autism with vaccines, now they’ve figured out a way to give them measles too? Thanks Obama,” posted Trina Marchon, a group member and mother of 4.
Fellow member Trevik Nguyen posted, “Some so-called ‘doctor’ at the hospital told me I could easily cure my measles with a vaccine shot, but I just punched him in his face and ran. Gonna take some Vitamin C instead. #blessed”
Ethel Flenderson, a local retiree, posted a meme of Garfield which simply read “Vaccines = Mondays”.
With the local park under quarantine due to the measles outbreak, Deynton was forced to come up with an alternate location for the group’s rescheduled protest. Alternate suggestions have included the mall food court, the local elementary school cafeteria, and the measles wing at Broadwater Community Hospital. Still, in spite of the measles outbreak, Deynton insists that he will attend the protest even if he is the only person.
“Luckily, I haven’t had to worry about measles – after all, I got vaccinated when I was a kid.”