WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will step down from her role, President Trump has announced her replacement to oversee the the Department of Homeland Security: several printed-put articles from the far right Breitbart website.
In addition to overseeing anti-terrorism, border security, and locking migrant children in cages, Acting Secretary Printed-Out Breitbart Articles will report directly to Trump. “I wanted Neilsen to get very tough on the migrants and the gangs, who are basically the same thing,” Trump exclaimed at a press conference.
“She kept letting me down, but I know that I’m always going to hear what I want from Printed-Out Breitbart Articles,” Trump added, pointing to the loosely stapled pile of editorials and poorly-sourced alt-right news.
While the actual composition of the articles is expected to change from day to day, or if coffee gets spilled on the old articles, the current set of printed-out Breitbart articles met with approval from the Commander in Chief. When it begins overseeing the DHS on Monday, the current articles will include “MIGRANT CARAVAN BUYS SNORKELS TO INVADE FLORIDA”, “TRUMP TAX RETURNS TOO HONEST TO RELEASE TO PUBLIC”, and “BERNIE SANDERS – THE GOOD KIND OF JEW, OR THE OTHER KIND?”
“I’ve never had an acting secretary that I agreed with more,” said Trump, after having the headlines read to him out loud by an aide.
After stepping down from her position, Secretary Nielsen was adamant that she was not nearly as hard line in her stances as Acting Secretary Printed-Out Breitbart Articles. “Sure, I locked children in cages and several died on my watch, but at least I had the decency to lie to the media about it,” Nielsen insisted as she was escorted from the Capitol by security.
Beginning tomorrow, Acting Secretary Printed-Out Breitbart Articles has declared its first DHS order of business to be “PETE BUTTIGEIG’S SECRET PLAN TO MAKE YOUR KIDS GAY!!!”