OTTAWA — Following criticism of his decision to oust Jody Wilson-Raybould from the Liberal caucus in the fallout of the SNC-Lavalin affair, Prime Minister Trudeau has replied that he always assumed his career-ending scandal would be “like, 100 times hotter”.
“I mean, for starters, just look at me,” explained the beleaguered PM, as he avoided questions about his involvement in the ongoing procedural scandal. “You’d assume that any wrongdoing I’d ever be involved in would automatically be a sex thing. After all, I am easily the most fuckable head of state in the G20.”
Trudeau continued, “But for someone as handsome as me to be taken down by some ‘deferred prosecution agreement’ nonsense? I did not see that coming.”
Facing polls that show the Liberals barely tied for first place with Andrew Scheer’s Conservatives, several pundits have echoed Trudeau’s opinions about the kinds of scandals they had always pictured for him. “I always knew Justin would get taken down by a scandal sooner or later,” said Andrew Coyne, on the CBC At Issue Panel. “I’d just imagined something with like a secret late night rendezvous, and definitely some hot foreplay on top of the Prime Minister’s desk.”
“At the very least, I pictured a blowjob,” Prime Minister Trudeau himself mused.
As he faces a looming electoral loss due to the SNC scandal (“Which I dare anyone to actually explain to me with a straight face,” Trudeau challenged) the current PM is planning to make the most of the time he has left.
“Just because this dirt-boring SNC thing has taken me down, doesn’t mean I won’t go out the way I’d always envisioned,” Trudeau exclaimed. “From now until the end of the election, I’m going to be balls-deep up here on Parliament Hill. Just 24-7 sucking and fucking – women, men, and whoever’s DTF – the way I’d always wanted to go out.”
Trudeau then looked up at a nearby portrait of Pierre Elliott Trudeau, and whispered “I’m gonna make you proud, dad.”