OTTAWA – A drought of new disaster metaphors have struck Canada’s journalists and columnists covering the high profile SNC-Lavalin affair.
Dozens of reporters from The Globe and Mail, CBC, The Toronto Star, and other sources wandered the wind-swept streets of Canada’s capital looking to replenish their thirst for refreshing figures of speech.
“Why didn’t we ration our explosion metaphors when this scandal started?” complained Globe and Mail reporter Robert Fife. “We have exhausted our supply of bombshells for JWR’s Senate committee testimony, dumpster fires for Gerry Butts’ resignation, and endangered rhino stampede to describe the media coverage in Ottawa.”
Basic terms like ‘shocking’ and ‘trainwreck’ to the rarer comparison to the Great Molasses Flood of 1919 had all been used and abused repeatedly throughout the past month. Vice News had already described the affair as a ‘shitshow,’ ‘gongshow,’ and ‘fuckingshitgongshow’ over 200 times in the same article.
“I’m all out of earthquake references to describe Jane Philpott resignation,” said Macleans writer Paul Wells. “Not a tremor is even left to illustrate how scandalously Jane Philpott left Justin Trudeau’s cabinet. I fear the Wells may have run dry.”
Meanwhile, Postmedia journalists were forced to fight to the death over the last remaining thesaurus in to entertain their corporate executives. The winner was rewarded by being laid off.