SAMAWAH, IRAQ – Hailed as perhaps the most precious treasure after all, archaeologists in southern Iraq have discovered an ancient cache of friends made along the way – a find as valu…
Month: October 2018
Woman’s sole purpose is to impress her teen neighbour with outfit
HAMILTON, ON — Local woman Sidney Danskin finally admitted the truth to herself, that her sole purpose in life is to impress her teen neighbour Maddison Nicks with her clothing choices. “I’…
Supreme Court reaffirms indigenous right to decades-long legal battles
OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada gave its ruling confirming an indigenous communities right to incredibly long, drawn out legal battles with the federal government before their rights a…
Journalists interviewing Stephen Harper on his new book ball gagged as a precaution
TORONTO – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper has launched his book tour by preemptively gagging any journalist interviewing him to avoid any unexpected questions. CTV’s Question Period ho…
Nation’s sweaty men demand arrest of weird summer weather
OTTAWA – Representatives from the nationwide coalition of Canada’s sweaty, clammy, and otherwise moist men have descended on Parliament to demand swift justice against this Fall’s unseasona…
Ontario PCs warn dealing pot could land you 4 years in Queens Park
TORONTO – With the imminent legalization of pot next week, Ontario’s provincial government has released new ads warning that illegal sales of pot could land them four years as a Premier. “T…
Doug Ford ends opposition to Carbon Tax after reading all 2,500 pages of UN Climate Change Report
Luke and the Panel (Nour Hadidi, Courtney Gilmour and Ryan Dillon) talk about how we’re all going to die! They break down why the most recent UN Climate Change Report is a warning that can&…
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
WHITEHORSE – A vote hungry municipal candidate roaming through the Whitehorse neighbourhood of Riverdale was safely removed by conservation officers yesterday. The 185 lbs pamphlet-wielding…
Affordable housing: John Tory promises to build one giant detached home for all of Toronto’s poor
TORONTO – Showing a bold new vision for the 2018 mayoral race, John Tory has announced plans to build Toronto’s underprivileged a giant two-bathroom, forty-eight-thousand-bedroom house in t…
Biology: Virgin-ass Greenland shark doesn’t even hit sexual maturity until 150 years old
St John’s, Newfoundland — Despite melting polar ice caps and the global fish population plummeting, marine biologists across the globe have found themselves pointing at the sea, doubled ove…
