TORONTO – Showing a bold new vision for the 2018 mayoral race, John Tory has announced plans to build Toronto’s underprivileged a giant two-bathroom, forty-eight-thousand-bedroom house in the suburbs.
“It’s got a pretty big kitchen and one of those fridges with the double doors: not to mention a garage for all their SUVs and power tools,” said Tory. “I think the poors are really going to like this place.”
While the new, giant house is fifteen kilometers from the nearest school, grocery store, or bus stop, Tory says the poor can just drive wherever they need to, and that the neighbours are really nice.
“The Powalskis take great care of their lawn, and go to church every single Easter,” said Tory. “If Toronto’s lowest quintile of earners ever need to borrow a cup of sugar or some milk, I’m sure the Powalskis will be glad to lend it to them.”
“Unless it’s the summer or the winter; the Powalskis usually vacation in the summer and winter.”
While critics suggest it might be better to build more affordable housing downtown, Tory has fired back, saying that it’s hard to squeeze tens of thousands of people into a 700-sq. foot condo loft in Liberty Village.
“Sure, we could build more affordable rental units,” said Tory. “But also, no thank you.”
At press time, Tory had unveiled his newest plan for Toronto’s urban development: a single-family home that drives on the Gardiner Expressway.