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Former NDP leader Tom Mulcair retires to scream-cave

OTTAWA – After losing the federal election to Justin Trudeau in 2015, and more recently the leadership of his own party to Jagmeet Singh, former New Democratic Party leader Thomas Mulcair has retired to a custom built, sound-absorbing scream-cave today, where he plans to cry out in frustrated agony, bemoaning forever the power that was almost his, and which he contends was unjustly taken from him, until his last dying breath, according to sources.

“I want to thank everyone for the opportunity to represent the people of my riding, and the working people of this country,” said the member of parliament for Outremont at a press conference in front of the enclosed rock crevasse, found deep within Gatineau park.

“Thank you and goodbye,” said Mulcair before adding a visceral, “Graaaaaaahhhhhh!” as the hermetically sealed door slowly closed behind him to decent into the 300 metre deep yelling-vault, where you could just barely make out the last of his acerbic, profanity-laden tirade against Justin Trudeau, Jagmeet Singh and the people of Canada generally.

NDP staff say Mulcair had the $900,000 state-of-the-art sonic dampening living facility built after it became clear that night-after-night of his vociferous bellows that kept the entire neighbourhood up, would not be going away anytime soon.

“I think we made the right decision for our family, and for the country,” said Mulcair’s wife, Catherine Pinhas, looking exhausted from almost two years of poor sleep. “Tom will be happier here.”

“Not happy, but happier,” she added.

At press time, no one could hear Tom Mulcair shout from deep within his scream-cave, “I almost had it! It was almost mine! It was myyyyy tuuuuuuuurn! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! I’m smarter than all of them! Nooooooooo!” at the top of his lungs.

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