PALO ALTO – Facebook has announced a new setting that will keep user’s timelines free of friends’ posts regarding engagements, promotions, and trips to the gym.
“We know what our users want to see – or more specifically, what they don’t want to see: other people’s joy,” explained Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “With our new filter you can now expect to exclusively see posts related to bad hair days, complaints about the weather, and second guessing of television show plotlines.”
Zuckerberg went on to explain how he got the idea for the new setting after discovering how most of his own Facebook friends had blocked his various posts from their own timelines. “I’m the most successful person most of my friends know, and it turns out that most of my posts make them feel like worthless garbage. That’s great news for me, and now it turns out it’ll be great news for business as well.”
The filter, which works by screening out key terms like blessed, love and #setlife, has already received a positive response. Facebook users are spending an average of 35% longer on the site now that they no longer have to see their high school acquaintance’s new baby photos.
“This has made my Facebook a whole new experience,” advised local middle manager Jill Perkins, 29. “Until now I had managed to tailor my Facebook feed so that I was only getting world news that I agreed with, but I still had to feel jealous of all my friends.”
“Now, all I see are posts about getting fired, and photos of people who are fatter than me. It’s even better than actually being happy.”
Naturally of course facebook is looking to monetize the service. By boosting their ‘good news’ post for $10.00, users can bypass the filter if they really want to make their old university roommates feel like the pieces of crap they are.