WATERLOO, ON – At a press conference held last Thursday, weighted blanket startup Consensual Crushing announced its new line of adult bedspreads featuring the ability to choke users while e…
Tag: father
“I couldn’t imagine life without my kids,” says man who looks like complete shit
REGINA – Local man Edward Thompson has told friends, family and several strangers at a Starbucks that life is meaningless without kids, all while looking like an exhausted drug addict who i…
BREAKING: New email reveals your dad is ‘kinda curious about Drag Queens’
VANCOUVER – Based on evidence discovered in a weekly, semi-formal, update email from your aging father, experts believe he may be curious about and in the process of learning more about the…
Pride weekend leaves local father struggling to accept that his bank is gay
TORONTO – In the wake of Pride weekend celebrations, Canada’s LGBTQ communities are entering the week with a renewed sense of solidarity and purpose. But the events of the weekend have also left …
Men: Here are 5 ways to get your slim, ripped winter body into peak “Dad Bod” for summer
Hey single men out there, we all know how hard it is to maintain that soft, perfect dad bod shape, the one that makes the ladies say, “Oh yeah, he’s definitely good father material.” We’ve all do…
Mom cannot remember title of favourite song
Napanee, ON —Despite a concerted attempt to summon helpful memories, and numerous prompting questions from family and friends, local mom Diane Peters is unable to recall the title, artist or era …
Dad escalates economic sanctions against son who will not get dressed
STELLARTON, NS – After finding his first round of sanctions ineffective in motivating his 5-year-old son to clothe himself, father of two, John Carlin, has vowed to increase economic penalt…
Hyper-realistic historical village only fun for affluent white man
TORONTO – While his wife and children suffered immense misfortune and strife, Tim Bailey, 48, the patriarch of an affluent caucasian family of four, is said to have had an absolutely lovely…
Local time-traveler worried he’s becoming his father
MONTREAL, 1973 – Local scientist Carey Holton says as he grows older and travels more and more through time, he’s concerned that he’s becoming the one thing he said he never would: his fath…
Dad approaches Home Depot employee like a well versed pick-up artist
ETOBICOKE – In what was an entirely nonsexual but definitely premeditated act, reports indicate that local father Peter Edwards, 55, approached Home Depot employee Garrett Sims, 22, with th…
