WATERLOO, ON – At a press conference held last Thursday, weighted blanket startup Consensual Crushing announced its new line of adult bedspreads featuring the ability to choke users while engaging them in dirty talk.
The company has worked diligently over the past five years to maintain their status as the lone weighted blanket manufacturer that “does not police what you do under the covers.”
“We knew we were entering an already bloated marketplace of heavy duvets, so we asked ourselves how we could disrupt this industry in an innovative way,” said CEO Alana Holmes. “The answer was to reach a broader audience. Looking past anxious adults to horny anxious adults.”
The Gravid Gratifyer 2000 promises to deliver a concentrated application of pressure to the user’s throat when positioned correctly, as well as several pre-programmed arousing phrases including: ‘Yes daddy,’ ‘No daddy,’ ‘Maybe daddy,’ ‘Fucketh yeah father,’ ‘Is this doing anything for you?’ and ‘Little piggy like ouchy.’
“Initially when I purchased my first weighted blanket, I opted to go for something traditional, which I hate to say felt kinda boring,” said avid tech writer Abdul Malouf. “But after using the Gravid Gratifyer 2000 for the past couple of weeks, I can say that I usually fall right to sleep after a vigorous 3 minutes. Now, I love to tuck myself in!”
The 2000 series of the Gravid Gratifyer arrives a year after the disastrous release of the company’s first sexy weighted blanket launch which ambitiously attempted to introduce wax play to the mainstream market. However, the blankets were recalled due to reports of third degree burns, as well as the abhorrent mixture of their lavender, pine, and lube scented proprietary melting candle.
The CEO ended the press conference saying, “Did we see a need in the market? No. Did we create a need in the market? Absolutely. Consensual Crushing’s Gravid Gratifyer 2000 is a must have for bored elites with upwards of $1500.”