TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “List…
Tag: Doug Ford
Ontario government: The purpose of our scientists’ COVID projections was for betting purposes only
TORONTO – The province of Ontario clarified that any of the COVID-19 projections made by provincial doctors, scientists, and epidemiologists were for politicians to make bets on if they cam…
Ford: we thought having a confusing mess of vaccine registration sites would give people in lockdown something to do
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford defended the shambolic vaccine registration process this morning, noting it gives Ontarians stuck at home something to spend all their time doing. “All pandemic …
Ontario school opening/closing policy determined by a cat who wants in or out
TORONTO – Ontario’s Ministry of Education cat has determined that schools will be closed after he decided to come inside. The feline, Misty the COVID Cat, was at first hesitant to make a de…
Ford introduces “stay at home unless you’re sick and can’t get rid of your shift” order
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyon…
Ford doesn’t understand why eligible Ontarians not registering to get vaccines he insists haven’t been delivered
TORONTO – Faced with questions as to why Ontario is not vaccinating more people, Premier Doug Ford insisted that hundreds of thousands of eligible residents have, for some reason, not signe…
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end…
Ford: “3rd wave’s the charm!”
QUEEN’S PARK – While announcing this week’s province-wide shutdown, Ontario Premier Doug Ford added that he is positive his administration is close to solving the current health…
Doug Ford blames Ontario youth for creating such ineffectual lockdown rules
TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were befor…
Merriam Webster scrambles to keep up with Ford’s definition of “shutdown”
Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s ann…
