TORONTO – Following a massive increase in COVID cases in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has decided that the best way to defeat this unprecedented threat to human life is with an equally unprec…
Tag: Doug Ford
Ford refuses Red Cross aid after realizing red is a Liberal colour
TORONTO — The Federal Government offered to deploy the Canadian Red Cross today in order to provide Ontario with support for its vaccination clinics and healthcare system in the midst of a debili…
Ontario bans non-essential jacking off
TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “List…
Ontario government: The purpose of our scientists’ COVID projections was for betting purposes only
TORONTO – The province of Ontario clarified that any of the COVID-19 projections made by provincial doctors, scientists, and epidemiologists were for politicians to make bets on if they cam…
Ford: we thought having a confusing mess of vaccine registration sites would give people in lockdown something to do
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford defended the shambolic vaccine registration process this morning, noting it gives Ontarians stuck at home something to spend all their time doing. “All pandemic …
Ontario school opening/closing policy determined by a cat who wants in or out
TORONTO – Ontario’s Ministry of Education cat has determined that schools will be closed after he decided to come inside. The feline, Misty the COVID Cat, was at first hesitant to make a de…
Ford introduces “stay at home unless you’re sick and can’t get rid of your shift” order
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyon…
Ford doesn’t understand why eligible Ontarians not registering to get vaccines he insists haven’t been delivered
TORONTO – Faced with questions as to why Ontario is not vaccinating more people, Premier Doug Ford insisted that hundreds of thousands of eligible residents have, for some reason, not signe…
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end…
Ford: “3rd wave’s the charm!”
QUEEN’S PARK – While announcing this week’s province-wide shutdown, Ontario Premier Doug Ford added that he is positive his administration is close to solving the current health…
