GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything that wou...
Erection pills made from last rhino don’t even work
TANZANIA – After poaching, despoiling and making pills out of the last living Black Rhinoceros in existence, local banker Dave Shen remains unable to maintain an erection. “What a waste,” said S...
Joe Oliver left alone in hot car for 3 hours
Police rescued Joe Oliver from a locked car this afternoon after staffers left the Canadian Finance Minister unattended for three hours. “I’d thought I would only be gone for 10 minutes max,” said a p...
WORLD CUP FINAL: German efficiency trumps whatever Argentina is known for
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a narrowly scored last-minute goal, the German World Cup team’s efficient and relentless play has triumphed over Argentina’s style, which was probably hot or spicy or somet...
Stephen Harper discovers he’s related to Palestinians
OTTAWA – After conducting a DNA ethnic profile, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has learned that he has Palestinian roots. The Prime Minister had decided to take the test after spending hours on t...
Report: bleak reality waiting on other side of World Cup finals
BRASILIA – With the World Cup finals only hours away, the planet is slowly coming to the realization that the return to the blend of despair and panic that characterizes their ordinary, hollow, ...
Exiled Nazis conflicted over Germany-Argentina World Cup matchup
RIO DE JANEIRO – The surviving members of Argentina’s once-extensive Nazi war criminal community find themselves torn over whom to cheer for in Sunday’s World Cup final between their adopted homeland ...
Anti-spam legislation prompts new program to retrain penis enlargement spammers for door-to-door service
OTTAWA – Canada’s new anti-spam legislation has put thousands of penis enlargement spammers out of work, prompting a new workers’ rights group to start a campaign to retrain them for...
Canadian refugee illegally obtains what she calls ‘insulin’ so she won’t ‘die’
OTTAWA – A refugee who fled a war zone has been caught illegally obtaining what she calls a ‘life-saving medication’ for a condition called ‘diabetes’ so she won’t ‘die’. Shukriya Hanan, a 47 ye...
Local man dumped for Ryan Gosling .gif
TIMMINS, ON – Timmins resident, Gary Ramsey, was dumped by his girlfriend of 10 months after she found a superior partner in an animated .gif of Ryan Gosling. “Amanda [Gehry] doesn’t know what s...
