New Tory bill aims to make refugees feel more at home by keeping them in poverty

OTTAWA – Conservative Members of Parliament are proposing a new bill that the party hopes will make refugees feel more at home in Canada by ensuring their new lives remain as destitute and hopele…

Local leaves lament frail mortality of poet

CALGARY — This September, as children leave their summer games to return to school, and their parents begin to reluctantly don winter sweaters, the leaves outside the window of local poet Thom Mu…

Obama announces airstrikes against Ebola

WASHINGTON – Under heavy pressure from the international community to respond, President Barack Obama announced he will use surgical airstrikes in West Africa to defeat Ebola. “The United S…

Husband absent mindedly says words that will be thrown in his face for rest of life

MEDICINE HAT, AB – In between scrolling through Netflix and checking texts on his phone local man Garry Wood, 32, has casually uttered the seemingly random sequence of words that his wife, …

NFL to nation’s women: ‘Please stop letting our star players assault you’

NEW YORK – Citing the need to correct longstanding issues within its organization, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, along with coaches from across the country, pleaded with the nation’s wome…

Drug user replaced by drug dealer in Toronto mayoral race

TORONTO – Notorious drug user Rob Ford has stepped down from his mayoral candidacy and been replaced by his brother, notorious drug dealer Doug Ford. “Torontonians want someone discreet, wh…

Roger Goodell refuses to believe he saw Ray Rice video until he sees video of himself watching video

NEW YORK – In a press conference today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell responded to reports suggesting he had seen the video of suspended running back Ray Rice punching his wife in an eleva…

Following verdict, Oscar Pistorius promises to be more careful next time he shoots girlfriend

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA – Following a judge’s ruling that he did not murder Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius pledged that he would approach his next domestic homicide far more cautiously. “I…

iPhone 6 to feature app that lets you know when iPhone 7 will be released

SAN FRANCISCO – Tech giant Apple has announced that their new iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus will both come pre-loaded with exclusive software to let you know when the iPhone 7 will be rele…

Conservative prostitution bill C-36 defines sex as gross, terrifying

OTTAWA – Bill C-36, the Conservative government’s proposed prostitution bill, will seek to define sex as “gross,” “terrifying” and “something only mommies and daddies should do when a…