Weeping John Tory carries shotgun down to sickly Gardiner Expressway

TORONTO – After telling the city council that ‘the Mayor should be the one to do it,’ a quietly crying John Tory has walked down to the Gardiner Expressway with a loaded shotgun in his hand…

Canada commits to eleventy percent drop in carbon emissions by year zero-one-infinity

OTTAWA – In a dramatic announcement that will certainly have a huge impact on the economy and environment, Stephen Harper and his government have announced they will enforce policies design…

Bloodstained, haggard Gilles Duceppe stumbles into BQ caucus meeting

OTTAWA – His clothing torn, and covered in blood stains and dust, former party leader Gilles Duceppe barged into a Bloc Québécois caucus meeting yesterday at around 12:45 in the afternoon. …

Friend hard at work rehearsing excuse not to go to friend’s Fringe show

MONTREAL — Montreal’s annual Fringe Festival kicked off last week and already, Montrealers everywhere are hard at work preparing excuses not to go to their friend’s performances…

CSIS: “C-51 will help us defeat the enemies we plan to invent”

OTTAWA – With Bill C-51 now passed into law, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) has stated it will use its new powers to defeat civilian groups, charities, and political orga…

Evan Solomon fired for having a really boring, sexless scandal

TORONTO – CBC journalist and host of Power and Politics Evan Solomon was fired today after the CBC determined that his scandal was far too dull and lacked a sufficient amount of sex, drugs …

New study reveals that your cousin Steve is still hoping to hang out soon

Prince George, British Columbia — A comprehensive new study released by the University of Northern British Columbia this week has found that your cousin Steve would still really like to han…

Triple Crown won by two guys in horse costume

NEW YORK – Following their come-from-behind victory at the Belmont stakes, the coveted Triple Crown has been won by two men pretending to be a 3-year-old thoroughbred. “It all started when …

Pope recognizes Instagramming meal with “#blessed” acceptable form of saying grace

VATICAN CITY — Cool, social media-savvy Pope Francis (@Pontifex) has declared that uploading a picture of your meal to Instagram with the caption “#blessed” is now recognized by…

Latest CSI spinoff to focus on the killers hiding under your bed, Gary

LOS ANGELES — Television crime drama titan, the CSI franchise, is adding a new spinoff to its roster: CSI: Gary. CSI creator Anthony E. Zuiker and CSI: Cyber co-creator Carol Mendelsohn exp…