WASHINGTON, D.C. – While mocking 2015 polls that said Donald Trump couldn’t possibly win the GOP nomination, DNC political operative Colin McCallum maintained that his own internal polls showing that Donald Trump cannot win a general election are “assuredly 100% correct.”
“Watching the Republican party get blindsided by a low-rent con artist has been an absolute joy,” revealed McCallum, a senior strategy analyst, his words dripping with near palpable schadenfreude. “Their polls said Trump couldn’t win and he proved them dead wrong, unlike our DNC polls, which project that Trump can’t win and are surely bulletproof.”
While Trump has come from behind to defeat long-favored Republican nominees, including Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, and Scott Walker, Democrats remain confident that such a scenario is categorically impossible against a Democrat challenger. “In any projected match-up the Democrats will definitely crush Trump – kinda like how Trump crushed every one of his own opponents up to this point.”
Looking toward the general election, the Democrats are heavily expected to run a classic centrist campaign, engaging progressive issues voters while attempting not to alienate educated middle class voters. Meanwhile, Trump is projected to run a campaign based around balls-to-the-wall American exceptionalism, with additional themes of “everything you don’t like is someone else’s fault.”
When asked what the DNC was currently doing to prepare to fight a Trump campaign, McCallum responded “Why do anything? We know there’s no way we can lose, so we’re using this time to post hilarious memes about how Trump shellacked the Republicans.” McCallum then hit “post” on a video of a dead-eyed Chris Christie endorsing Donald Trump, set to sad tuba music.
Echoing these sentiments was associate campaign manager Laura Callway, who demonstrated ads of the Democratic front runners. “Let’s break it down: On the Democrat side we have Hillary Clinton, the living embodiment of the phrase ‘eat your vegetables’; and next to her is Bernie Sanders, a literal socialist who looks like he got separated from his Seniors Mall Walk.”
The beltway insider then turned to a picture of Trump, speaking to thousands of supporters. “Now you’re going to tell me that compared to those two intellectually rational choices, Americans even might consider voting for a brash, confident billionaire-slash-reality TV star, who also sells vodka and steak?”
Callway laughed, before adding, “My friend, you don’t know America.”