Gilles Duceppe calls on other party leaders to give him fifteen dollars

QUEBEC CITY – Building on his reputation as a wild-card wiling to call out the other candidates on issues where they share the same biases, Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe has demanded…

Toronto Blue Jays fans eager to end 22-year rioting drought

TORONTO – After a two decade playoff absence fans of the Toronto Blue Jays are hopeful this will be the year they can finally destroy their city in a drunken World Series celebration. “I wa…

Elections Canada recommends voters spend 5 minutes screaming into pillow each day

OTTAWA – As the nation enters the federal election home stretch, Elections Canada now suggests that any and all prospective voters take a few minutes each day to scream as long and loud as …

Elections Canada announces new Yukon voting station teetering on Mount Logan’s Summit

HAINES JUNCTION, YUKON — In response to a voting card mix-up that required some 300 Yukon voters to travel nearly 600 kilometers to vote, Elections Canada has fixed the problem by moving th…

Harper says “most” cases of murdered Aboriginal women solved, “give or take a few thousand”

WHITBY, ON – Speaking at a campaign rally, Prime Minister Stephen Harper told reporters that there’s no need to start a federal inquiry into Canada’s missing and murdered Aboriginal women because…

Harper left wondering who let Nobel Prize winner Arthur McDonald talk to the media

KINGSTON — With Arthur McDonald’s shocking Nobel prize win, the Prime Minister of Canada was curious as to how he was able to speak with the media at all. “We have so many programs in place…

Nation still fighting this goddamn cold

CANADA – Six days after their throats started to get scratchy, the entire country is still trying to get over this fucking cold. “Shit,” said every person in the country, catchi…

Jason Kenney spontaneously combusts after court permits niqab for citizenship ceremony

CALGARY — In what authorities are calling a rare instance of spontaneous human combustion, Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney burst into flames upon hearing the Federal Court of Appeal …

Jason Kenney delivers speech with perfect, unaccented bigotry

CALGARY — In an effort to stir up Conservative supporters, Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney delivered a patriotic speech with impeccable and unaccented bigotry. “Wow, he must be from …

Canada looks forward to finding out how it was screwed by the TPP

OTTAWA — With Canada now signed on to the Trans Pacific Partnership, Canadians are excited to find out just how much they have been screwed. “I can’t wait to see who got it the most!” said …