DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite weeks of working out and drinking protein shakes, local man Jared Allman’s attempts to take an attractive photograph of himself in the mirror are consistently ruined b...
Ezra Levant sues self for defamation
CALGARY – Rebel Media founder Ezra Levant is suing himself after the conservative commentator made besmirching comments about himself on TV, radio, newspapers, blogs, Twitter, Facebook and in pe...
Canine court rules leg ‘asking for it’
OTTAWA – The nation’s top dog court decided today that Marlowe, a 4-year-old Pug mix, was not guilty of sexual assault because the complainant’s leg was asking to be humped. Judge Duke, a 9-year...
Couple spends romantic evening fighting over Netflix
PICTON, ON—With nothing standing between them and a relaxed, quiet evening at home, Shelly and Jordan Douglas chose instead to spend three fractious hours passionately arguing about what to watch befo...
Tragically Hip cancels tour after band members unable to acquire tickets
KINGSTON, ON – The Tragically Hip has announced that it will be cancelling its final national tour as the members of the band were unable to acquire tickets to any of the 15 events they were set...
Ticketmaster: “Tragically Hip fans being gouged by scalpers is what Gord would have wanted”
TORONTO – Responding to news that tickets to the Tragically Hip’s farewell tour had sold out within seconds, largely to scalpers, Ticketmaster President Jared Smith assured disappointed fans tha...
SUV driver participates in Bike To Work Week with use of new bike rack
WHITEHORSE – A local government employee has managed to take his bike to work every day of the week thanks to the installation of a new bike rack on his SUV. Thom Gerretsen, 36, has been showing...
Health Canada considers plain packaging for all Tabasco products
OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce the glamour of hot sauce, Canada’s government announced Tuesday that it will hold three months of public consultations before forcing the Tabasco industry to use generi...
Fans convinced Edward Scissorhands could never hurt his wife
LOS ANGELES – Fans of Edward Scissorhands were shocked to learn that the half-human, half-unknown possibly pseudo-robotic being was alleged to have beaten his wife. “I cannot believe there are p...
Tories continue to rebrand by removing wicker man ritual from party constitution
OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of gian...
