LOS ANGELES – Fans of Edward Scissorhands were shocked to learn that the half-human, half-unknown possibly pseudo-robotic being was alleged to have beaten his wife.
“I cannot believe there are people out there so prejudiced as to call Ed a monster”, said one fan. “He’s proven himself time and again to be a sensitive soul, and any markings on his wife are purely by accident”, insisted another. “I mean can you blame him? His hands are scissors for crying out loud! He couldn’t help it.”
Fans of Scissorhands cited his long history of not assaulting his many hair salon clients, and his past relationships with Peg, Kim and Joyce, all of whom have gone on record to say that he has never laid a scissor arm on them.
Said Edward Scissorhands divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, “My client’s wife is clearly trying to arrange a premature financial settlement by claiming violence. But honestly, when have you heard of a guy whose hands were made of scissors doing anything to hurt his wife? It’s preposterous! She’s clearly a golddigger.”
In related news, fans of Willy Wonka were equally convinced he too could never be an abuser, unless you count his inhumane treatment of the oompa loompas, and that kid he technically killed in the chocolate factory.
With files from Sarah Sahagian
