TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto. “Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to save ...
Introducing iCared, an app that will write your heartfelt celebrity death posts for you
PALO ALTO, CA – In response to a busy year of celebrity deaths, Google has announced the release of iCared, an app that allows users to instantly share unique, personal remembrances the moment a celeb...
Justin Trudeau excited to teach Hillary Clinton about feminism
OTTAWA—In the wake of Hillary Clinton’s success in clinching the democratic nomination for President, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reportedly “very much looking forward” to discussing his celebrat...
Rideau Street collapses under weight of bathroom lineup for Byward Market McDonalds
OTTAWA – City of Ottawa engineers have determined that the sinkhole on Rideau Street was caused by the weight of the multitudes lined up to use the restroom at the McDonalds leading into the Byw...
Vatican City unemployment rate soars to five
VATICAN CITY – The whirlwind of economic hardship battering the eurozone has now reached the Holy See, where officials report that the unemployment rate has skyrocketed to an all-time high of five peo...
Man really needed boys’ night to take mind off climate change
TORONTO – A night out with the boys has proven to be just what local man Pouyan Shah needed to take his mind off of the biosphere’s ongoing collapse. “It was so great to just hang out with the g...
Air Canada introduces landing fee to all customers currently in flight
DORVAL, QC – Air Canada has announced a new “landing fee” to all customers who are in mid-flight at the present time. “Our goal at Air Canada is always to provide the best quality service,” said...
New Brunswick’s Minister of Celtic Affairs promises protection from Roman invaders
FREDERICTON – Drawing her long sword into the air, newly appointed Celtic Affairs Minister has promised the Celtic people of her province protection from the Roman invasion, which threatens thei...
Whitehorse house sitters unionize, demand better perks from fridges
WHITEHORSE – The House Sitters Association of Yukon (HAY) Local 304 ratified its collective agreement over the weekend, a move welcomed by HAY President Pascale Morin and its more than four thou...
Marriage with Jeff barely satisfies local woman’s need to not die alone
GRIMSBY, ON – A marriage with 46-year old accountant Jeff Sturges barely satisfies local woman Marissa Sturges’ most rudimentary need for human interaction. “He’s technically there, which is som...
