Radio DJ ensures gun loaded, door barred before starting another week of Christmas music

TORONTO – Jason “Smooth J” Carruthers, DJ for “The Flex” on 98.1, has spent the weekend beefing up security measures in preparation for another week of non-stop Christmas music. “In the sec…

Scientists discover cure for common cold: cancelling plans

CALGARY – A new report from the University of Calgary medical school has found that the elusive cure for the common cold is a prescription for cancelling all the plans you made before you g…

MPs line up to sit on Supreme Court Justices’ laps to ask what laws they want struck down for Christmas

OTTAWA — In a tradition that is as old as Ottawa, 338 excited MPs lined up at the Supreme Court to ask the justices what laws they want struck down or amended for Christmas. Dressed in thei…

Justin Trudeau demands ISIS reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 20%

PARIS – In an impassioned speech at the Paris Climate Summit on Tuesday, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a public demand that the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) immediately take step…

Hydro One offers grass-fed organic electricity

TORONTO – Hydro One has announced that all of the electricity provided to their Ontario customers is certified organic, and comes from local, grass-fed sources. Reacting to controversy arou…

BREAKING: Tax dollars being used to pay Trudeau children’s allowances

OTTAWA – An investigative report has unearthed that the weekly allowances of Xavier and Ella Trudeau are currently being paid using taxpayer funds. “Daddy said I get a whole $5 to spend eac…

Mark Zuckerberg to donate 99% of your personal information to charity

PALO ALTO, CA – In a move that shocked business insiders for its generosity and selflessness, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan have pledged that they will donate…

Teenage boy summit signs accord for 19% cut to nocturnal emissions by 2030

GENEVA – The Teenage Boy International Summit announced in a communique this morning that an agreement has been reached to cut global nocturnal emissions nearly twenty percent over the next…

CBC closes comments on indigenous stories after 4th comments moderator dies from exhaustion

TORONTO—The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation will no longer permit web readers to post comments on any articles involving indigenous peoples just days after the tragic death of a CBC comments mo…

Swooning world leaders tell Trudeau climate isn’t the only thing that’s hot around here

PARIS — World leaders at the COP21 meeting on climate change have reached a consensus that both the climate and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau are getting hotter and hotter. An amor…