TORONTO – Although he was by all accounts a bad mayor and a deeply flawed person, the nation has been surprised to find itself bereft by the loss of one of its most notable public figures.
“Remember the video of him accidentally tackling that old lady in the city council chambers?” said Laurence Follis of Toronto, laughing for a moment, before falling silent and looking at the floor. “That was. . . that was a really funny video.”
Although sources inside the nation say Ford was a corrupt official who should never have held public office, they also admit he was always exactly who he was, and that’s a rare thing to see.
“Obviously, the way he lived was going to catch up with him eventually, but he always seemed like such a constant. He always bounced back, even when we really didn’t want him to,” said Lydia Banks, of Etobicoke. “Fuck. Rob Ford’s dead? How can that guy be dead?”
Since Ford’s passing, polls show some 90% of the country has spent at least five minutes staring out the window with their hands in their pockets.
“I was going to post an angry rant about how we don’t care when dozens of innocent people die abroad, but we’ll mourn this buffoon who embarrassed our city,” said Josh Hallens, of Scarborough. “But then I thought about how all he wanted to do was coach football, and now he’ll never get to do that again, and I had to take a walk instead.”
At press time, the nation was watching and re-watching that video of him falling backwards on the football pitch, trying not to laugh or cry.