Scientists reveal they accidentally forgot to adjust Doomsday Clock for daylight savings time

PALO ALTO – In a stunning display of scientific ineptitude, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists held a press conference to announce that they mistakenly forgot to accommodate daylight savings t…

NBA books Sting to perform at All-Star Game after LeBron mentions liking Roxanne

TORONTO – The NBA has announced that former Police lead singer and prominent lute enthusiast Sting will headline the halftime show at the upcoming All Star Game in Toronto after one officia…

Local woman pulled out of emotional tailspin by mug with “Hope” written on it

Kingston, ON — A local woman was on the verge of breakdown when a heroic mug pulled her back from the edge. What set the mug apart from the average receptacle used to transport hot liquids …

Student union closes University of Ottawa citing the privilege of attending university

OTTAWA — The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa has, through sheer force of will, closed the University of Ottawa citing a hodgepodge of Marxist teachings and various notions of…

Tragic alcoholic described as ‘Legend’

TORONTO – Forty-six years old and plunging deep through the lightless depths of his addiction, local man Darren Hall is routinely described by coworkers and acquaintances as ‘A Legend’, ‘Th…

Devil summons legion of advocates from comment threads

THE SKIES ABOVE EARTH – The devil has emerged from the depths of hell. Raising his goat’s head and speaking in the voice of a dragon earlier this week, he assembled his army of advocates, calling…

NASA discovers 9th planet in continued attempt to win back Jessica

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…

Conservatives say legalized weed really relieves the stress of being Conservative

OTTAWA – In a surprising policy shift, interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose now says her party supports the legalization of marijuana, citing the drug’s ability to take the edge off of the st…

HASBRO: Rey excluded from ‘Star Wars Monopoly’ to avoid spoiling scene where she buys railroad

PAWTUCKET – Bowing to public pressure, toy giant Hasbro will introduce a game piece of the character Rey into their latest version of Star Wars Monopoly, claiming the female protagonist had origi…

Child successfully sues friend for one million doll hairs

Charlottetown, PEI – After a lengthy court battle, eight-year-old Sandy Hamilton has been ordered to deliver to his once best friend, Jamie Vandermeer, exactly one million doll hairs, based…