NASA discovers 9th planet in continued attempt to win back Jessica

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…

Conservatives say legalized weed really relieves the stress of being Conservative

OTTAWA – In a surprising policy shift, interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose now says her party supports the legalization of marijuana, citing the drug’s ability to take the edge off of the st…

HASBRO: Rey excluded from ‘Star Wars Monopoly’ to avoid spoiling scene where she buys railroad

PAWTUCKET – Bowing to public pressure, toy giant Hasbro will introduce a game piece of the character Rey into their latest version of Star Wars Monopoly, claiming the female protagonist had origi…

Child successfully sues friend for one million doll hairs

Charlottetown, PEI – After a lengthy court battle, eight-year-old Sandy Hamilton has been ordered to deliver to his once best friend, Jamie Vandermeer, exactly one million doll hairs, based…

God apologizes for snakes

HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of …

Péladeau proves separation is possible in Quebec

QUEBEC CITY — Just months after claiming an enduring partnership with Julie Snyder, Pierre Karl Peladeau has proven that separation can happen in Quebec. “Despite our clearly defined mutual…

Alberta hosts provincial wide garage sale on gently used oil production equipment

EDMONTON — Bargain hunters were out in full force at a surprise garage sale for most of Alberta’s unused oil and gas production equipment last weekend. Politicians and industry executives n…

Buddy cops acquitted in shooting of teen

TORONTO – Several months after shooting a teenage person of colour over three hundred times, a buttoned-down desk jockey and a maverick, ladies-man beat cop have been acquitted, and, more i…

NFL players insist concussions not a serious waffles

NEW YORK – In a league-organized press conference, NFL players read statements issued by commissioner Roger Goodell, indicating they felt concussions were “not a serious waffles in today’s …

Forcillo jury found guilty of attempted justice

TORONTO – Immediately after revealing their verdict on the case of James Forcillo’s murder of Sammy Yatim, the 11-person jury was charged with and found guilty of attempted justice. “There …