Terrified record producer forced to work with woman he raped
LOS ANGELES – Lucasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald, has been living a nightmare since courts denied singer Kesha Sebert’s request to work with a producer who didn’t drug and rape her. “Things were already …
Ted Cruz caught Google searching “How to move back to Canada” in wake of Super Tuesday results
HOUSTON, TEXAS — Following Donald Trump’s grab in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primaries, Texas Senator and Republican presidential contender Ted Cruz accidentally revealed his interest in imm…
Mountain Dew sales decline as public becomes less extreme
TOP OF A SICK SNOWBOARDING MOUNTAIN – Mountain Dew head office has acknowledged a sharp decline in sales of it’s fizzy garbage water, coinciding with a rapid decrease in radness amongst the…
New $25 skinny cable package to revolutionize way viewers switch to Netflix
TORONTO – Canadian broadcasters unveiled their ‘skinny’, Canadian-centric cable packages today, a move that the CRTC says will forever alter the way Canadians cancel their subscriptions. “T…
New Air B&E app lets you stay in other people’s unsecured homes
SAN FRANCISCO – A new online application is revolutionizing the hospitality industry by allowing users to stay in the homes of regular people who haven’t properly secured their property. “A…
I’m the only openly gay person
BY SAM SMITH, ACADEMY AWARD WINNING SINGER-SONGWRITER I’m completely speechless that the Academy would be so progressive with this award. It’s incredible to know that I’m standing here today as t…
Man at Tim Hortons still confident he will roll up exact amount of debt
TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Frantic DiCaprio asks coat check if anyone turned in a gold statue last night
HOLLYWOOD – After waking up well into the afternoon, Academy Award-winner Leonardo DiCaprio has spent the last hour on the phone with the coat check clerk from the Vanity Fair afterparty af…
McDonald’s new vegan quinoa tempeh salad less healthy than getting stabbed
HAMILTON – Ubiquitous fast food franchise McDonald’s has added the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad to their list of “health conscious” food options, which studies now say is worse for you the…
Office Oscar Pool just fucking demolished by Maureen from accounting
FREDERICTON – Reports are flooding in that the MacIntosh & Carter Law Offices informal Oscar pool was straight up annihilated last night by accounts payable manager Maureen Petrie, 52. …
