Local depanneur sheds cocoon, emerges as majestic Couche-Tard
MONTREAL — Reports have come in that, in the early hours Tuesday morning, the depanneur on the corner of St. Laurent and St. Felicia had finally emerged from its cocoon as a glorious and be…
Anonymous accuses dozens of people of being Donald Trump
NEW YORK — Just days after declaring “total war” on GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, hacker collective Anonymous has wasted no time in accusing dozens of private citizens around the world of b…
ISIS fighters defect to join small midwestern town
AL-RAQQAH, SYRIA – Sources inside the Islamic State expressed shock today as several fighters boarded aircraft for Missouri with the intention of dwelling peacefully in the quiet suburb of …
Rogers Wireless reports $10 million profit from people calling CRTC to complain about Rogers Cable
TORONTO – Rogers Wireless, Canada’s largest cellular communications company, achieved an unexpected $10,000,000.00 profit as a result of the amount of time Canadians are spending on their p…
Human Rights Commission awards atheist $14,000 for being repeatedly “blessed” after sneezing
TORONTO — A Markham man was awarded $14,000 by the Ontario Human Rights Commission and forced his co-workers to apologize after he was “politely proselytized” at his workplace whenever he s…
Nanotechnology firm unveils world’s smallest severance package
SILICON VALLEY – In what has been hailed as a major breakthrough in the hyper-competitive world of nanotechnology, tech giant PikoTekk Industries has unveiled the world’s smallest ever severance …
Aunt Linda still standing with eyes closed at Michael Bublé’s walk-of-fame star
TORONTO – Twenty minutes after stumbling across Michael Bublé’s new Canadian walk of fame star, Aunt Linda is still standing motionless in front of it, with her eyes closed and her ha…
Oil pipelines need stronger oversight, says watchdog someone forgot to pay off
OTTAWA – The National Energy Board is not doing enough to make sure pipeline companies are complying with regulations, says a new report by the federal commissioner of the environment and s…
Forensic paleontologist solves prehistoric cold case
DRUMHELLER, AB – Some one hundred and forty five million years after the case was abandoned by authorities, maverick paleontologist Dr. Matthew Parch has found new fossil evidence in a Jura…
Budget lowers millennial retirement age to 135 years
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced yesterday that the retirement age for young people born less than 30 years ago would be brought back down to 135, reversing the Conservative…
