CANADA – In the lead-up to the inauguration of an openly xenophobic US president, Canada is taking a moment to quietly congratulate itself on only being very racist.
“Obviously, we’re not as bad as the United States,” said every single person in the country at some point, holding themselves to the most dismal possible standard. “So we’ve got that going for us.”
The nation of 35 million is quick to point out that it never had slavery, except for that bit at the beginning where it kind of did, but has collectively agreed doesn’t count.
“Toronto is the most diverse city in the world,” said Malcolm Faber, who has never visited any of the actually diverse parts of the city, partly because of how underserviced they are by transit. “I know people who come from England, Scotland, France, Germany, you name it.”
It is also a point of pride for many Canadians that our police usually only stalk and harass people of colour, instead of outright murdering them, except for some of the time, because hey, nobody’s perfect.
“The U.S. interned Japanese people during the war, whereas we only interned them, stole their property, and then sold it to pay for the construction of labour camps,” said Hamilton’s Lindsay Herbert. “See, way better.”
While most of us realize how messed up it is that Borden, a man who gave border officials cash incentives to stop black people from entering the country, is on the $100 bill, you also have to admit how cool it is that they smell like maple syrup.
The Trump election is the best excuse Canada has had since the Iraq war to not think about the kind of racist shit it pulls on indigenous people all the time.