WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States president-elect Donald Trump delivered this week on his campaign promise to put unemployed Americans back to work by hiring the country’s single least-employable citizens, rock band 3 Doors Down, to perform at his upcoming inauguration.
The band joins a star-studded lineup of perpetually jobless entertainers the public had previously assumed to be either missing or long dead, including Broadway vet Jennifer Holliday, country music 9/11 profiteer Toby Keith, and head waiter Scott Baio.
“Trump doesn’t just talk the talk,” gushed lead singer Brad Arnold. “He really walks the—Sorry, one second. Spare some change? Thanks anyway. Spare some change? God bless. Spare some—whoa a dime!”
Lead guitarist Matt Roberts echoed Arnold’s sentiments, adding, “Can’t talk right now, man. You only have twenty seconds after they throw the day-olds into the dumpster before the rats eat all the soft ones.”
The band added that Trump has also agreed to employ them as his personal White House entertainers after the inauguration, where they’ll perform to-the-death cage fights for the amusement of the President-Elect and his visiting Russian dignitaries.
“Let’s just say we’re no strangers to the horrified screams of a traumatized audience.”