Children shouldn’t be learning they have hoohoos and down-theres at such a young age

By PATRICK BROWN, LEADER OF THE PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF ONTARIO The Wynne Liberals newest social experiment is teaching our innocent children about their hoohoos and down-theres when it…

All I want is to have a real conversation about rape without taking responsibility for my words or actions

By: Your Facebook Friend Hi all. I’ve been thinking about a subject that’s been in the news a lot lately: sexual assault. It might be a little touchy for some people, but that doesn’t mean we sho…

Scientists discover new, Earth-like planet for humanity to destroy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Researchers at NASA this week announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, which they say possesses physical properties condu…

Man wearing sunglasses actually looking directly at you

TORONTO – Several reports have confirmed that the guy wearing dark sunglasses is absolutely looking directly at you right now. “I’m sure it only seems like he is staring at me,” you said li…

Ontario government reminds drought-striken province to conserve water for Nestlé

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne has cautioned Ontarians who live in the drought-stricken regions to refrain from wasting water so that it may be bottled and sold by Nestlé. The pro…

Trudeau sends every Canadian wallet photo of Catherine McKenna

OTTAWA – In a lauded continuation of transparent policy, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has mailed every Canadian citizen living both at home and abroad a wallet-sized print of Environment Ministe…

Harper resigns from politics to spend more time with his egg sac

CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn br…

Tattoo parlour employees lose track of which decorations are ironic

TORONTO – Employees at area tattoo parlour Jan Van Inyck have lost track of which decorations in the store have significant meaning and which are only ironic. “I’m guessing that…

CNE snacks feature innovative ingredients, contempt for humanity

Every Summer, visitors flock to the Canadian National Exhibition to sample unique culinary creations and test the limits of their masochism. This year, The Ex has outdone itself once again, offer…

Female Muslim Mounties can now wear hijab while being sexually harassed by co-workers

OTTAWA – The RCMP announced a crucial step forward in the organization’s quest for diversity, as Muslim women in uniform will now be allowed to wear their traditional headscarves as they re…