Optimist drowns in glass half-full
VANCOUVER, BC – The body of local man, Eric Heston, known by many as one of the most optimistic people they’ve ever met, was pulled last night from the bottom a glass sources say he would d…
E3 Update: Sneak booze past customs, save taxes in hotly anticipated Call of Duty Free
LOS ANGELES – Adding to an already impressive lineup that includes “Skylanders Academy” and “Overwatch,” video game giant Activision Publishing, Inc. has announced “Call of Duty Free,” a brand ne…
Brazil assures world that country will be only be partly on fire by Olympics
BRASILIA – Amidst a presidential impeachment, numerous public health crises, incomplete infrastructure, and a wildfire that rages throughout the country, Brazilian officials assured the wor…
Gender neutral O Canada embraced by Tories from 2078
NEW OTTAWA – The Conservative Party has made a bold step for gender neutrality by finally accepting the omission of “thy sons” from our national anthem, nearly seven decades from today. “Even aft…
Gawker bankruptcy delays inevitable release of Trump dick pic
NEW YORK – In the wake of a $140 million dollar judgement stemming from a lawsuit against former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, Gawker Media has been forced to file for Chapter 11 Bankru…
NRA unveils new semi-automatic rifle that shoots thoughts and prayers
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA – Responding to the latest mass shooting that has rocked the United States, the National Rifle Association today unveiled a new AR-15 assault rifle whose ammunition will b…
Man should have worn more gingham to this brunch
TORONTO – Citing the amount of gingham that he is wearing and amount of gingham that those around him are wearing, local man Marc Fresno has determined that he should have worn more gingham…
Canada gives standing O as Howe makes one last trip to the box
SASKATOON, SK – The entire nation of Canada took to its feet this week to deliver a standing ovation as Gordie Howe, better known as ‘Mr. Hockey,’ made his final trip to the box. Howe was assesse…
Montreal Grand Prix held in Toronto bike lane
TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto. “Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to …
