JASPER BC—According to sources close to the matter, primarily their quietly baffled cat, Muffins, Hannah Mitchell and Victor Chang successfully spent five straight hours on Friday date night refusing ...
Carney calls April 28th election, clarifies Canadians can’t just write “Fuck Trump”
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has called for a snap election to be held on April 28th, and has specified that Canadians will be required to choose an MP in their riding, as opposed to just...
Twelve hours of not thanking the bus driver and other atrocities witnessed during Canadian version of The Purge
OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition. “The f...
Inside Danielle Smith’s list of demands to Mark Carney
OTTAWA – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has presented newly-sworn-in Prime Minister Mark Carney with a list of demands, along with promises to “blow up this entire country and myself so he...
Experts warn Pierre Poilievre losing election he thought he was guaranteed to win will be very, very funny
“The human body can only shake with laughter for so long.” Welcome back to The Beaverton Weekly Report! Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) talk Mark Carney...
Uninformed American excited for Canada to become “49th state”
Boise, ‘Merica – Local skimmer of news articles John Lougthrow recently exclaimed he was ‘amped’ for Canada to become the 49th state of the currently 50 United States of America. “Hard to believ...
Canada places 200% tariff on little Canadian flags Americans wear while travelling
OTTAWA – As US President Trump’s unilaterally-launched trade war continues, Canadians have struck back with counter-tariffs on a valued American item: the little Canadian flag patches Americans put on...
Poilievre’s broken slogan generator to blame as he vows to “Dink the Rink” and “Slime the Grime”
Lethbridge, AB – Conservative party leader, Pierre Poilievre, spoke to a mystified crowd of supporters as he promised to go to Ottawa and “Dink the Rink” while standing in front of a banner embl...
Trump assures Canadians he will ruin the rest of the world’s economy too
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of accusations that he is singling Canada out with his economic attacks, US President Donald Trump has assured the press that he will also eventually financially d...
Trump removes security detail from Eric
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following last month’s decision to end security protection for several members of his previous administration, President Donald Trump has surprised supporters and detractors al...
