Scores dead in war for middle arm rest
MONTREAL — A Via Rail trip traveling from Toronto to Montreal ended in bloodshed following a violent battle for the middle armrest in seats 21 A, B and C. At 9:00am Greg Bilson, Amelia Chan…
Comments section quarantined for outbreak of coronavirus-related racism
TORONTO – Thousands of Facebook users have been quarantined by the Public Health Agency of Canada after a significant outbreak of novel coronavirus-related bigotry on a CBC News comments th…
Friend who moved to suburbs really wants you to come visit sometime
Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visi…
RCMP: Exclusion zones necessary to protect Canadian public from dangers of rampant journalism
UNCEDED WET’SUWET’EN TERRITORY – Following a pre-dawn raid to remove Indigenous occupants from several camps in northern B.C. today, the RCMP is defending its practice of removing journalis…
China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide
BEIJING – With many countries refusing to allow Huawei technology because of its links to Chinese intelligence agencies, as well as the company’s CFO still waiting for extradition to the US…
Doug Ford has 95% approval rating among kids who hate school
HAMILTON – Premier Doug Ford and his Ontario PCs are decisively ahead among children who hate their schools, principals, and teachers. According to an Ipsos poll, 95% of Ontario elementary …
US Senate confirms committing crimes not illegal
WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump, including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, were not illegal. In a 53-47 vot…
Desperate nation pining for US celebrity’s attention denies it’s boring
CANADA – Citizens from a nation always seeking US approval are expressing outrage that a washed-up pop singer from the 1980s called the country “boring.” “How dare she call us dull,” said M…
Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future
What a twist! Turns out Beloved CBC tv series Murdoch Mysteries, about an early 20th Century detective with disturbingly pretty eyes, has been on the air for so many years that it now takes place…
Timothee Chalamet will now play every human on earth by 2023
LOS ANGELES – Following his successful portrayal of Henry V in The King and the announcement that he will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic, Timothee Chalamet has announced that he…
