Local man glad he hung onto cough mask from SARS outbreak
TORONTO – As the danger from Coronavirus increases daily, Keith Dellware is reportedly congratulating himself on his foresight and frugality by holding on to the same cough mask he wore dur…
Ontario teachers reject gov’s latest offer of ‘Ford gets to punch one teacher in the face every day’
TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford …
GasLink claims many First Nations support the pipeline, just not the one whose land they’re putting the pipeline on
VANCOUVER- The company behind the Coastal GasLink pipeline has reasserted that many First Nations have signed off on the project, just not the nation whose unceded land they are currently buildin…
Canadians stockpile ear protection as precaution for John Baird leadership bid
OTTAWA – In preparation for a possible John Baird Conservative Party leadership bid, Canadians have been busy stocking ear protection equipment. Media speculation about Baird’s possible ent…
Toronto man throws going-away party for friend moving north of Bloor
TORONTO – After nine years living in the Toronto downtown core, friends and family of Brandon Miller have thrown a going away party in advance of his packing up and moving north of Bloor St…
Feminist win! Girl boss lays off thousands
WATERLOO, ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media, Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs. In a statement to the press, Hawkins said, “Thoug…
Folksy Joe Biden cheerfully greets supporter as two-bit secretary with no tits
CONCORD–During a campaign event for the upcoming New Hampshire Primary, former Vice President Joe Biden charmed a crowd by playfully addressing an attendee as a “two-bit secretary with no t…
VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains
VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains BELLVILLE, ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitim…
Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs
ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union’s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent. “Heeeeey, you seem familiar, d…
Resilient 11-year-old Ugg boots survive annual closet purge
LONDON, ONT – In a stunning feat of perseverance, an ageing, tattered pair of camel coloured Ugg boots have managed to survive yet another year in their owner’s annual closet purge. “I just can’t…
