Man screaming on roller coaster just listening to Goosebumps on audiobook
ANAHEIM, CA – After strapping in to ride the Incredicoaster at Disneyland with a group of fellow theme park thrill seekers, Toronto native Charles Hernandez’s screams were revealed to be ca…
Doctors recommend that you cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit
Hamilton, ON – After a decades long study, doctors at McMaster University’s Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine have found that to prevent the spread of bacteria and viruses you sh…
Telus threatens to euthanize animals if CRTC approves mobile virtual network operators
OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses, they should do as he says, Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile v…
Suspending me again from the Senate is no way to treat an Indigenous person by Senator Lynn Beyak
I am saddened to learn that I have been suspended from the Senate again, and I think we all know why my colleagues threw me out: it’s because I recently revealed my First Nations heritage. I am M…
Nation’s moms form vigilante gang to make sure you get that cough checked out
EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough. Meeting at…
Men scramble to find a personality after CDC suggests shaving beard to stop coronavirus
ATLANTA, GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak, leaving m…
China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks
BEIJING – The Chinese government has expressed concerns that a North American government which lacks transparency and checks on its executive power will cover up the severity of the COVID-1…
Mike Pence introduces program to cure coronavirus carriers with conversion therapy
WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Mike Pence announced a bold program of conversion therapy to convince infected Americans they don’t …
US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears. “We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wh…
Local woman unsure why she’s crying
VICTORIA, B.C. – 34-year-old Olivia Vasquez was left puzzled when she started crying in line at the grocery store, seemingly without cause, earlier today. “I was in line to buy a thing of m…
