“WHAT’S IN THE VACCINE?” says man who doesn’t know what’s in his fridge
Barrie, ON – A local man unaware of the contents of his own refrigerator is demanding to know what is in the COVID-19 vaccine. Justin Travers, 34, is extremely concerned about the contents of the…
Man without savings account loves to discuss his concerns about the economy
CALGARY – A local man without a savings account has discovered a new passion for ripping on the nation’s complicated, finely balanced economy. “These are dark times for investors and financ…
In rare show of bipartisanship only 95% of Republicans vote in favour of man who tried to kill them
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of bipartisanship nearly 5% of Republican Members of Congress voted to impeach the man who, exactly one week ago, sent a horde of white supremacists …
U.S. to upgrade sex-ed curriculum with screenings of Bridgerton
WASHINGTON – The United States Department of Education has announced plans to revamp the sexual education curriculum by adding clips of the newly released Regency-era period drama from Shon…
Grimes says she’s “enjoying” having COVID-19, being in relationship with Elon Musk
LOS ANGELES — Vancouver-born pop musician Grimes announced Monday that she had “finally” tested positive for COVID-19, calling the “DayQuil fever dream strangely enjoyable.” Since then, she has b…
Ford warns paid sick leave would only encourage harmful belief that employees are people
TORONTO – Premiere Ford has clarified that Ontario will not be introducing mandatory paid sick leave as he does not want to reinforce the harmful idea that hourly and frontline workers are …
Elderly man in line for vaccine really three 28 year-olds in trench coat
TORONTO – As the rollout of the COVID-19 vaccine continues, residents of the Silverglen retirement village patiently waited in line to receive their first doses yesterday. Due to scarcity, cur…
“I refuse to live in fear of COVID,” says woman who lives in fear of socialism
St. Catharines, ON – Amid the second wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, 49-year-old Ontario resident Shirley Mills has informed family and friends that she refuses to live in fear of the virus,…
“That oughta do it” says Ford after requiring Costco to close an hour early
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is said to be confident that the COVID pandemic is basically over now that Costco and the LCBO have to close a bit earlier than before. “I think we’re ou…
Ford exempts large US retailers from lockdown, but encourages Ontarians to “blame locally”
QUEEN’S PARK – While refusing to consider paid sick leave or lockdown restrictions on US retailers like WalMart and Costco to COVID, Ontario Premier Doug Ford encouraged Ontarians to contin…
